


You‘re Not Sorry

by socasuallycrueI



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Heartbreak, M/M, Tyrus - Freeform, a lot of thoughts, angst with a sad ending im sorry, u might cry but my writing is too ugly so lmfaoo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-09
Updated: 2019-03-09
Packaged: 2019-11-14 02:55:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18044111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/socasuallycrueI/pseuds/socasuallycrueI
Summary: Cyrus'  heart might be a little too broken for TJ's empty apology...





	You‘re Not Sorry

**Author's Note:**

> Heyo. SO I have never actually written them but I absolutely love this ship and I had to do something. Probably very out of character. I haven't watched the whole show yet. But I've seen all their interactions lmao. My writing isn't the best(feel free to criticize) but I felt inspired so.. Enjoyyy<3

Cyrus has never felt something like this before. He‘s fallen in the ocean which stretched out to endless darkness within and he couldn’t see the sunlight on the surface. He couldn’t see at all. His breath was aching to escape but his lungs felt blocked by a thousand flowers that were rained upon by the merciless ocean.

 

For Cyrus, heartbreak felt like drowning. 

 

Before this, Cyrus used to think drowning must have been the easiest way to die. It had been a gruesome thought to ever consider, but he was bound to wonder and think about death, at some point of his curious tendencies. Back then, he concluded drowning was the most peaceful way to go. He didn’t give it a second thought, it was odd even for him to not analyze this thesis or look into it, but he’s found thinking about death and really, just death itself, made him feel uneasy. He shouldn’t have had to question that particular subject anyway, he was merely twelve or so. However, twelve-year-old Cyrus decided to drown had to be a quick, painless death and his decision had been finalized. 

 

He was wrong. 

 

The drowning happened gradually. It took you out bit by bit and every bit was filled with anguish. First the panic: You’re falling. You can’t stop. Then, the torment: You can’t breathe. Water is overcoming your body, your mind. Ocean has unexpected ways, but you’re friction too. You’re trying to resist, to fight, but the hurt is too great. So you surrender. And then it’s that last part. The surrender gets you. You’ve obtained a revelation; a realization that you must give up now because there is no use. You’re already broken, you’re already gone. 

 

Now, fortunately, Cyrus Goodman had never experienced drowning to know how it actually felt like but he  _ has  _ experienced heartbreak. And the new Cyrus Goodman (he was close to fourteen), the more experienced one and the one who now always gave certain aspects a second thought, could affirm heartbreak was just that. Heartbreak was like drowning. 

 

Today, around morning at about nine o‘clock, Cyrus had his heart broken for the first time. He was confused, then he was angry and then he was sad and he even let out a quiet sniff when he felt the warmth of his tears, which he immediately wiped. It was absolutely embarrassing. He didn’t even know why he should be crying over something like this right now. TJ probably realized it would have been weird and out of place, after all, to dress up with Cyrus for a couples costume. They weren’t even a couple! For all Cyrus knew, TJ saw him only as another friend even if Cyrus considered TJ a close friend. It was probably the reason why he was so upset. One way or another, he couldn’t think about it now. He couldn’t bear to think about TJ now either. 

 

Sadly, he joined Andi and the original plan, but even more sadly, TJ continued to occupy his thoughts all day long. 

 

Not until he arrived home did Cyrus really commit to an analysis of the whole situation. Due to the most accurate probability, the overthinking would definitely cause self-depreciation and crying as a result, but Cyrus was willing to try and understand himself and his emotions. His dad taught him this. When Cyrus would get upset, his dad always told him to make sure he knew what he was feeling and why. He explained this was usually calming since it helped create a better comprehension of how and why humans feel the way they do and therefore, a better comprehension of yourself. Cyrus actually learned to read people better this way(or so he hoped), but that might also be because all his parents were shrinks. 

 

His method had been asking himself a couple of questions about his emotions and why he was expressing them. Once, he started a diary but didn’t bother writing every day because it was too much effort and he didn’t have the necessary requirement: time. But ever since he began feeling bad about himself, he did it more often. As soon as he entered his room, Cyrus put away his bag and searched for his secret notebook. It had been really simple and handy because it was small, but Cyrus liked it because it was blue as well(that was his favorite color).

 

He was aware he looked like a mess. He’s been on and off tearing up the whole day. He was tearing up  _ now  _ too, all the while writing out his feelings and wondering why it hurt  _ so much _ . 

 

He felt disappointed because he thought they actually had a thing. TJ and Cyrus. Cyrus and TJ. And Cyrus loved inside jokes. He loved this one a lot. He should’ve known better. He should’ve known it didn’t mean so much to TJ as much as it meant to him.

 

He felt frustrated because he didn’t know what to do right now. He was not sure if he should just sit here and ignore it forever. Get on with his life. It wasn’t a big deal.    
Or if he should lie in his bed and listen to every sad song ever because maybe it was a big deal to him.

 

He felt angry because why did TJ do that? It was  _ his _ idea. He didn’t even bother to call. Cyrus awfully embarrassed himself and honestly, it seemed like TJ didn’t even care. Maybe he never cared. Maybe he simply asked Cyrus to do the costume with him because he had no one else until Kira showed up. Maybe, Cyrus was his last choice after all. 

 

He felt self-doubt because if TJ didn’t actually care, then why bother being friends with Cyrus at all? Was he just some stupid side project? He guessed it was on him for believing they could be friends. Friendship based on a muffin? It was meant to be evanescent. TJ was the captain of the basketball team! Cyrus was nerdy and clumsy and he couldn’t do anything as a matter of a fact so, yeah, maybe he did kind of get it. Kira was much prettier than him. She was also a girl. She was bound to win from the start. TJ didn’t actually care about him. He just used him for the benefit of feeling better about himself. Because that’s all Cyrus was good at. He was good at solving other people‘s problems for them but getting mercilessly tormented by his own. 

 

He felt guilty because he couldn’t believe what he’s just written down. Of course TJ cared. Cyrus just cared more. 

 

He felt ashamed because even though somewhere underneath that cold exterior(that wasn’t so cold anymore) TJ cared,  he still had to stand there like a complete idiot because his costume didn’t make any sense. He couldn’t believe TJ didn’t even call him. He couldn’t believe TJ rather did a costume with someone he’s known for so short instead of someone who was always there for him. In fact, Cyrus felt like maybe he’d misread things. Maybe TJ  _ did  _ know Kira for awhile. After all, when Cyrus questioned about it, all TJ did was mention basketball but then shrug it off and change the topic. So why?  _ Why.  _

 

He felt confused because… why didn’t TJ call him? It would’ve been so much easier now. He wouldn’t have to sit here and take care of his feelings. He wouldn’t have to think about if still being friends with TJ was a good idea. He wouldn’t have to worry about losing someone so close to him. He wouldn’t have to cry and he would still look forward to talking to TJ. He would be able to mark it as a highlight of his day. He wouldn’t miss anyone. 

 

He felt hurt because he was really excited. He even bailed on Andi so he could do this with TJ. Cyrus worked really hard on this costume for TJ to just completely dismiss it when, as previously said, it had been  _ his _ idea! Why would he come up with it only to bail like this? Cyrus felt hurt because they were supposed to be friends. Friends were honest with each other. Just like they used to always be. He felt hurt because TJ didn’t come to him. Maybe he got weirded out when he actually pictured it and got scared of the downfall of his glorious reputation if he showed up looking like a dork with Cyrus or something of sorts. Cyrus could very well understand that(wouldn’t be the first time). He just didn’t understand why TJ couldn’t bother to trust him and say something. It hurt him. It hurt him a lot. (More than it should.)

 

What Cyrus felt most of all, was afraid. He felt afraid because why did this bother him  _ this _ much? Why was he being so dramatic? Why did he want to cry so badly every time he thought of TJ. He felt afraid because he absentmindedly put his whole trust and his comfort in one person and that person seemed to crush it in the most seemingly careless way… The worst thing was, Cyrus’ hope finally sparked up in some way, his hope made him believe that he might have finally found … his person.. and now..  He couldn’t possibly-- But did he, though? Did he, without noticing, start liking TJ? In that way, that is. When liking meant more than just platonic affection. When it meant.. feeling an utter romantic devotion to a person. A crush. 

 

Cyrus closed his notebook. Oh no. No no no no no no. He formed a great, loving, strong friendship with TJ. TJ actually seemed like he liked him a lot as a friend too. He was the one who  _ wanted _ to be Cyrus’ friend from the beginning! They had mutual respect for each other  _ and  _ close, loyal understanding of one another. Cyrus felt comfortable with TJ in a way he didn’t feel comfortable with Andi and not even Buffy. TJ became one of his closest friends. He couldn’t ruin that. He could not like TJ. TJ would never like him back. TJ was most likely, most definitely straight. TJ did not like boys.  It was the same story like with Jonah all over again, but worse. It felt somewhat deeper. It was worse because this time, it seemed like he actually had a chance. With Jonah, he knew from the beginning nothing could happen. Jonah was a distant crush, the one Cyrus could only really daydream about and imagine their scenarios. Jonah was unreachable and would always be. But TJ…. TJ was incredibly open and only to him, he always seemed to let his small touches rest on Cyrus‘ shoulder or on his hand a little bit longer than necessary. Every time they’d see each other, TJ would not stop smiling. TJ made it clear he was trying to be a better person and he made it clear Cyrus was one of the reasons for that. Cyrus sometimes still flashed back to their conversation at the swings. He particularly couldn’t stop thinking about: “You’re the only person I can talk to like this?” He used to think it had just been TJ’s way of saying ‘thank you’ or ‘i’m sorry’ since he was still learning to express his emotions. Maybe it was… But right now, it seemed like a really vulnerable thing to say. 

 

Was Cyrus misinterpreting everything now that he considered the possibility of having a real crush on TJ? Was it a crush? Could it be that the universe would allow TJ to feel the same? 

 

Cyrus had to stop. He couldn’t have a crush on TJ. His heart was too weak. He didn’t have any confirmation TJ liked him back. He could only reminisce TJ’s smiles at him or the way his eyes shined and how sweet he acted towards him. 

 

But Cyrus knew, even though he wished wholeheartedly he didn’t, he knew he would only get his heart broken at the end if he didn’t stop now. Even now, after this small occurrence that wasn’t even as dramatic as he made it out to be, he felt like he was dying. He couldn’t imagine how it would hurt if he  _ actually  _ fell in love with TJ. It would tear him apart. TJ was the red light. Now that Cyrus knew it, he had to, he  _ must _ stop the engine.

 

The phone started ringing. It was Buffy like Cyrus expected. He had been preparing. She surely wanted to talk about the whole incident, as they did not get that chance today. Cyrus inhaled. 

 

“Hey.”

 

“Hey. Wanna meet up?” 

 

Cyrus didn’t want to leave his residence. He still didn’t get to listen to his sad songs. His eyes were red. “I don’t really feel like it.”

 

“Okay. So.. Do you want to talk about it?”

 

“I-”   
  
“I can go off on TJ. I  _ want _ to have a little chat with him. Just say the word.”

 

“Buffy. It’s fine,” Cyrus chuckled nervously and he was pretty sure it came out as a sob.  “It’s not that big of a deal..” His voice cracked. 

 

“No, Cyrus it is a big deal. You know it is. He keeps messing up and putting you in a situation where you’re the one who’s feeling bad. Because of his screw up! I’m not just gonna let that happen. You’re my best friend, Cyrus. This is the second time TJ pulled off something like this and I’m not gonna just wait around for the third one and the other ones after that.”

 

This time he gulped. Still, she wasn’t fully right. “The first time wasn’t his fault. He’s really trying to-”

 

“Yeah, but this time was! There is no possible excuse for this. What did he say?”

 

“I haven’t talked to him.”

 

“Wait, did you even see him today?”

 

Cyrus sighed. “Well, yeah. He showed up in a different costume. He was matching with Kira. I didn’t know they were good friends.”

 

“Kira?”

 

“Yeah... I think.”

 

Buffy scoffed. Cyrus was confused, but it seemed his best friend realized something. 

 

“That bi- that baffling little sneaky rat. God! You should’ve said something. I’m not entirely sure, but she could’ve had something to do with it.”

 

Cyrus did feel like it may have had something to do with Kira. But he didn’t know her so he didn’t think it through further. However, now that he knew Buffy didn’t like her… “I’m listening.”

 

“I kicked her off the basketball team. But I didn’t think she was such a snake. She’s probably trying to get to TJ to put her on his basketball team.  You should talk to him, Cyrus.”

 

_ Oh _ . With this new information, a lot of aspects have taken a new shape. Some things might make sense if he bothered to analyze it again. But Cyrus didn’t feel like doing anything. “I don’t feel like doing it right now.”

 

“Well, you wouldn’t feel so heartbroken right now if you do.”   
  
How did she do that over a phone? “Absolutely I am not. I’m not heartbroken.”

 

“I’m sure he has an explanation. Still, it was a jerk move. Also, don’t tell him I briefly defended him. Kira probably had something to do with it. I’m not sure. I'll have a chat with her.”

 

Cyrus wanted to seek some hope in all this, some positivity because TJ apparently didn’t have a choice, but he was just really numb. “Buffy. Seriously, just let it go.”   
  
“I’m sorry I’m sick of my best friend getting hurt when he’s the one who least deserves it. Cyrus, you’re an angel. Anybody would be lucky to have you. I love you. Please don’t worry about it too much. Bye.”

 

Cyrus managed a small smile. “Bye, I love you too.”

 

Cyrus fell on his bed. The playlist with his sad songs was on shuffle mode. How could he not worry about everything now? Right now, he felt a great strike of helplessness evoking in him. Even though he knew Buffy was right and that he should talk to TJ, the more he thought about everything, the more he realized it was unfixable. He realized how much he actually cared. Somehow, he continuously found himself in the midst of everyone else’s problems, and he couldn’t help but fix them because comprehending emotions and issues was just what he could do so well, but it was making him miserable. Why couldn’t he do that for himself? 

 

Cyrus never really grasped the impact of human thoughts. But now, as he laid there on this bed listening to sad music which felt distant and incoherent, he felt tremendous loneliness. It spread throughout his veins, cut through his skin and poisoned his blood, climbing all the way to his heart and his brain. It filled them with treacherous images and dangerous wishes and in the end, everlasting darkness. It was like surrendering, after unbearable pain of drowning. 

 

* * *

 

 

Cyrus visited the swings after two days. He finally agreed to leave the house for something other than school after Buffy and Andi forced him. Andi had to leave for an emergency and Buffy was getting ice cream, but then she texted that she came across Marty and invited Cyrus to join them, but Cyrus felt like staying at the swings. He hadn’t been here in awhile. He supposed now it fit because he still felt bad about himself. 

 

“Hey, Underdog.”

 

It was evidently TJ. Cyrus didn’t want to see him right now. He got up to leave. 

 

“Wait, please.“ TJ reached out to stop him and his fingers lightly touched Cyrus’ hand. Cyrus tried to ignore how his heart skipped a beat. He faced TJ.

 

”Am I gonna regret this?” 

 

“Probably..”

 

The first thing Cyrus noticed was TJ’s eyes. Their bright green seemed to have faded. They were tired. TJ looked exhausted and pale. Cyrus concluded he hasn’t been sleeping at all. He looked emotionally drained. Just this observation alone urged Cyrus to give TJ a warm, long hug. But of course, he could not do that. 

 

“Look.  _ Cyrus _ .”

 

TJ never used Cyrus’ name unless it was personal. Cyrus knew he couldn’t control it but he really wished he could slow down his heart right now. Its beat was turning more rapid every second. 

 

“I don’t know where to start. I’m just really sorry. You are my closest friend. And.. And I know I keep.. I keep messing up like always but you’re the  _ only  _ person who.. You get me. And I like being with you.” 

 

After that was said, Cyrus couldn’t find any strength or courage to look at him at first. When he did, he couldn’t fathom the brokenness that overcame TJ’s expression. He looked like he was about to cry. Cyrus reluctantly pushed down the instinct to console in any way. 

 

“I just don’t understand why, TJ. You say all this, but for all I know, tomorrow you could pretend I don’t exist and everything you said would be meaningless. Tomorrow, you could say the same to Kira.” 

 

TJ actually  _ winced  _ at the mention of Kira’s name and that was when Cyrus got alarmed.  _ What  _ was going on?

 

“TJ, I can’t say anything if you’re not being honest. I don’t wanna pressure you, I really don’t but right now I just don’t know anymore. I don’t get it. And whatever you tell me.. I don’t care if you just wanted to embarrass me or if you magically forgot but I need a reason. What’s bothering you? I mean, did I do something? Does Kira have something to do with it?”

 

When what felt like an eternity passed, TJ’s voice broke when he said: “I’m sorry.”

 

Cyrus waited for something more. He waited for some explanation, some answer.. some confession.  Nothing came. 

 

“I’m sorry too.” 

 

Cyrus didn’t know what else to do but turn around and walk away. He was sorry, too. He was sorry he put faith in their friendship. He was sorry he constantly tried to see the best in TJ and he was sorry TJ always brought out the best in him and he was sorry that  _ that _ wasn’t enough now. He was sorry that this time, he failed to see anything beyond coldness. He was sorry he couldn’t understand. He was sorry he hadn’t even tried to. Most of all, he was sorry he let himself get hurt.  


End file.
